Worthiness

I know my worth

My worth does not lay in your lap

It is not dependent on the performance in your bedroom

My worth does not come pouring out of your mouth

It is not dependent on your words

My worth does not come from my beauty

It is not dependent on whether or not you think I’m beautiful

My worth will not be tested and trailed by the next him who comes along because I am empowered by Him, who never left

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Someone

I want someone.

Someone specific.

Someone with qualities I’ve already handpicked.

Someone with flaws I’ve already foreseen.

Someone who loves unconditionally and fiercely and all at once.

Someone faithful and loyal. Not only with their body but with their mind, with their eyes.

Someone to love me as I love them.

Before this “someone” I’ve got to be this “someone.”

So I’ve started loving myself unconditionally.

Self love is revolutionary.

Our love will be transforming.

I want it to be life changing.

To pass down generations and leave an imprint on those around us.

An aspiration to what “true love” looks like.

The fairytale ending that never ended.

HYPERVIGILANCE

My heart hasn’t stopped racing since court.
Even though I couldn’t see him as I was making my statement I could feel his gaze burning into my soul.

I remember the fire in his eyes, that look that told me he wasn’t afraid to take my life. More that he wanted to.

How could something so short turn into a life threatening situation?
Three months has turned into three years.
Three years of worrying, of watching my back and praying I don’t run into him.

Three years of hypervigilance. It’s exhausting.

The Circle Of Fear

How do you escape your nightmares when they are your memories?

Some nights are better than others.

Some nights I don’t dream at all.

But when I do dream, for days I hear him in every anonymous noise.

I see him in every bearded male.

I feel him in every single person behind me.

They said it gets better with time but what if time is repeating itself?

It’s like ground hog day but I’m not dying.

Easier said than done.

Why don’t you leave?

Everyone asks that once you tell your story.

Once they learn it was more than “that one time.”

They don’t understand the fear. You can’t leave because you don’t believe you will get away safely.

Behave and survive or leave and possibly be killed.

It may seem excessive to you but in those moments of anger you see it in their eyes.

It’s not the initial impact that scares you, it is the look in their eyes when they realise they want to hurt you even more.

I love you, but I love me more.

It is really hard to find and maintain good relationships.

My grandmother told me that if something or someone doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t edify your soul or benefit you; you don’t want it in your life.

But growing up in church we are taught to love unconditionally and be a “rock” for everyone.

Throughout my years I’ve come to the realisation that we cannot be a rock for everyone when we are not a rock for ourselves first.

Some people will take advantage of us but instead of being upset or angry with said person it is up to you as an individual to learn when to say no.

When to realise that this person is no longer good for your health.

When to distance yourself and cut off the negative energy you cannot handle.

I’ve really struggled with this lately. Although I am not a perfect human being I have this belief that’s been embedded in me since I was a child. I can love people past their pain, past their insecurities and love them until they love themselves.

My belief caused me grief for years. I was never able to disconnect emotionally from all the wrong doing or misuse of my efforts. I had trouble letting go of friendships that damaged my wellbeing and people that expected more than I could give.

I felt that if I gave up on these people I was failing.

I went from being giving and gregarious to being guarded, isolated and angry. I thought I hated people but really I was mad with myself for allowing myself to be mistreated so much.

If you are a natural healer you must learn to disconnect and cut off your energy when it is being drained instead of shared.

It is not hard to find good relationships if you love and value yourself first. For you are what you attract.

An epiphany for 2018, I forgive myself and love myself and will continue to build people up like I was created to do so.

Mark 12:21

The second is this: “You shall love your neighbour as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Chasing Unrequited Love

Unrequited love; the classic “romantic” love chase.

Constantly putting yourself second to a person who doesn’t cherish or reciprocate your feelings.

This is considered romantic and worthwhile in Hollywood.

The delusion that the happy ending is just around the corner, but how does this play out in real life?

I’ll answer that for you, terribly!

Yet plenty of men and women will chase someone who has made it clear they don’t really value you.

It’s not romantic and it doesn’t conclude like the movies do.

I’ve discussed this and a lot of people confessed they’d find that it is worthwhile because you are fighting for that “one” person you “love”.

At what point does it stop being a matter of chasing what you want and just looking damn right pathetic?

They say persistence will beat resistance every single time but why should we fight for a man/woman that doesn’t want to give us the time of day and why are we so addicted to it?

I think it’s an addiction to wanting what you cannot have.

Sometimes we are so obsessed with wanting what we can’t have, we don’t realise that when we get it we won’t want it for very long.